MSTies by FutureDami (Part 6 of 9)
A collection of adorable battle characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Glen Manning (Ep. 309 - The Amazing Colossal Man; 1957)
“Colossal, amazing, col. Glen Manning is pretty much your average radiation induced 50 foot tall mutant.
"The combat advantage of being 3 stories tall is pretty obvious, and although Glen doesn’t have a lot of special moves, he does pretty well with basic punches and kicks.
"Manning does have a weak point; his broken heart. With every attack, Glen has a 30% chance to hemorrhage and keel over. This brief moment of hacking and sputtering is the only opportunity an enemy has to strike at his vast pink abdomen."
Gorgo (Ep. 909 -Gorgo; 1960)
“Gorgo is the European pallet-swap of a more famous giant sea-going reptile who’s name starts with a G and shall not be named. An underprivileged monster from the seas off the coast of Ireland, Gorgo’s species (of which there are approximately two) never developed interesting powers such as atomic breath weapons, nose-shurikens, or even rainbow beams.
"Gorgo was trained by the turtle Gamera in a kaiju-mentoring summer school program, but only mastered the ability to fall down after Gamera attempted to teach it the high speed sonic spin. As such, Gorgo is fairly low in the ranking of beatdown fighters, and used as a handicap to test a player’s mettle. He is slower than average, but does decent damage with basic melee biting and stomping attacks."
Guiron and Florbella (Ep. 312 - Gamera vs. Guiron; 1969)
“Hailing from the star Terra, Cannibal Spacebabe Florbella was one of two survivors of a calaaaaamity~ which claimed the lives of… well everyone but two chicks and their dog. Florbella shot the other girl, because she is raw like that.
"Florbella, whose name is actually a reference to Tortoise Brand Pot Scrubbing Cleaner, a popular dish detergent on Terra, is not much of a fighter on her own. Her real power is the ability to ride and control Guiron the watch-dog. The Terrans, as you can see, have a real loose concept of "dog" and a real loose dress code.
"This pair fights in Tandem, cleaving enemies with Guiron’s razor sharp… nose. Most of their moves are melee, and Florbella can whip Guiron midair to send him down like a lawn-dart, closing the distance fast. Guiron can also reflect projectiles with the flat oh his blade, making him a tough opponent for characters like Billy and Johnny Longbow that are primarily ranged."
Gunslinger (Ep. 511 - Gunslinger; 1956)
“Marshal Rose is an unlockable bonus character for completing story mode with Sheriff Geronimo without feeding him. This, as you can imagine, is a challenge, but the reward is well worth it if you fancy a ranged fighter.
"She shares the same move pool with Geronimo, but looks a lot better in tight pants and can strafe and sidestep without wheezing."
Hamlet (Ep. 1009 - Hamlet; 1961)
"When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul
Lends the tongue vows.”
"Young Hamlet is the tragic Prince of Denmark and the self proclaimed avenger of foul deeds. Though scrawny, he leaps headlong into the fray and lashes out as violently as a tempest. Assisted by his spectral familiar Yorick, Hammy is both nimble and cunning, feigning insanity and occasionally succumbing to it to heighten his battle prowess.
"The Prince has a very unusual revenge-based play style. Each direct hit Hamlet takes increases the damage of his next counterstrike. Combine this with his high stamina, his ability to hurl piercing soliloquies, and truant disposition, you have a fighter to be reckoned with."
Ilya (Ep. 617 - The Sword and the Dragon; 1956)
“Legendary hero Ilya Muromets is the stalwart champion of Slavic salvation. wielder of the mighty sword of Invincor, Ilya battled his paralysis and took up arms against rampaging Tugar who invaded Kiev.
"A paladin in the classic sense, Ilya is a defensive melee combatant with a ludicrous armor rating. He is slow to anger, but in the hands of a patient player Ilya seldom falls in combat. To compensate for his lack of ranged abilities, Ilya can summon falcons to dive bomb the target, and call upon the wind demon sneak up behind targets and blast them into range."
It (Ep. 311 - It Conquered the World; 1956)
“'It' is a Venusian emissary sent to earth to control mankind and conquer the world. Venusians, picked last for cosmic kickball, are nearly immobile and have developed psychic defenses in lieu of physical ones.
"Learning that man is a feeling creature, It has entrenched… itself… in a cave in which to develop diabolical plans of mental conquest from manipulating the “love-gland” in humans. Though slow, it can awkwardly flail its inarticulate claws around for 360 degrees of damage. It can also spit out suction-bats that affix to an opponent and scramble their controls.
"It has a series of mind warp projectiles that cause psi-damage making It surprisingly dangerous as most of the Beatdown fighters have low metal defense.”
J.C. (Ep. 202 - The Sidehackers; 1969)
“Megalomaniacal itinerant motorcycle entertainer, J.C. is one of the more odious creeps to join the Beatdown. Despite his effeminate flouncy movements, J.C. is actually quite strong and has high stats for brawling. He is specialist in choking and holds, specifically choking unarmed women. He also has a few ranged pistol shots, but they tend to backfire on his own teammates whom he treats with contempt and frequent verbal abuse.
"Regarding team picks, J.C. works quite well with Moon for tag battles, as both are unstable alcoholics with unpredictable movesets and an ability to shrug off pain. J.C’s filibuster parfait finisher “That’s #5” is a five hit combo known to have even hit Big Jake.
"No one is quite sure what the initials in his name truly stand for, but most people assume the J stands for ‘Jerkoff’."
Neeya the Humanoid Woman (Ep. K11 - Humanoid Woman; 1981)
“Neeya is the anti-Diabolik. Just a pretty. Just as fast. Just as evasive. Just as fragile. She can manipulate the air around her (which doesn’t really do anything) and hurl objects with telekinesis (which does). Neeya doesn’t hit very hard, but she can dance around large targets like Joe Don Baker and Tor Johnson with nimble strikes.
"When critical, Neeya can unleash her "biomass photon burst", which will double her speed and power, and give her 30 seconds to explode.
"Colder than the mini-fridge on the Mir, she is unemotional and taciturn. Some believe this is because she is a genetic experiment lost in the existential vacuum of space. Others believe this is because she is Russian. Even when winning a fight, she just stands there looking confused and mournful.”
Krasker (Ep. 603 - The Dead Talk Back; 1957)
“Dr. Henry Krasker is the default leading specialist on meta-physics. He has achieved the unthinkable by hot-gluing stuff found in his garage: a radio that can talk to the dead. His meddling in the underworld has infused him with the psychic electrical current known as “foxglow”.
"Krasker is a levitation and "telekeenis" mage-style fighter, bound neither by gravity nor social mores. Frail in hand to hand combat, Henry forms a shield of foxglow infused foil balls. Stepping too close to him will lacerate and or electrocute an opponent, forcing them into a ranged firefight.
"Krasker is a great tag match with Dr. Davis as they control the field, repel women, and seek lucrative grants at the same time. Krasker is probably the stronger of the two. Oh its true."
While rummaging through my stuff I found a fresh pack of Bristol ATCs and drew me some kaiju pals. The cards are 2.5” x 3.5” and were done with uni-ball color lead and micon pen.
Like, guys. Sparta was so kick ASS sometimes when it came to women. Spartan women were given these small knives so that if their husbands came home and tried to hit them or assault them, they had a weapon within reach. That weapon was for CUTTING THEIR HUSBANDS’ FUCKING FACES so that when he went out in public everyone would know he was an asshole, abusing jerkface and they would publicly shame him.
LET’S JUST TALK ABOUT SPARTAN WOMEN FOR A SECOND.
In Sparta, women could own land and were considered citizens. THAT IS A HUGE BIG FUCKING DEAL. Why? Because that was RARE AS FUCK and there are lots of places TODAY where women don’t even get that much.
Divorce was totally fine, and a woman could expect to keep her own wealth and get custody of the kids because paternal lineage wasn’t very important. And it didn’t make her a pariah! She could totally remarry, no big deal at all.
Spartan women participated in some fuckin’ badass sporting events, too. And because they were expected to be as physically fit as the Spartan menfolk (who all had to serve compulsory military duties, btw, and couldn’t marry until they finished them at thirty) they didn’t have time for lots of swishy dresses. So they wore notoriously short skirts. According to some accounts, their thighs were visible at all times. HOLY SHIT.
Also, In Sparta men only got their names on their graves if they died in battle. And women? Women only got their names on their graves if they died in childbirth. THE SPARTANS COMPARED CHILDBIRTH TO FUCKING BATTLE AND IT WAS VIEWED AS A GODDAMN BADASS AND HONORABLE WAY TO GO OUT.
FUCKING SPARTAN WOMEN. THIS DUDE HAD FUCKIN’ BETTER MAKE SURE SHE’S COOL WITH WHATEVER HE’S DOING, IF HE KNOWS WHAT’S FUCKIN’ GOOD FOR HIM.
Did you guys like the Pipeworks/Atari Godzilla video game trilogy (Destroy All Monsters Melee, Save the Earth and Unleashed)? Who didn’t?! Do you wish they’d make a fourth installment in the series, or at least a new, similar Godzilla/giant monster fighting game? Who doesn’t?! As such, you should really check this link out.
Simon Strange, one of the main guys behind the trilogy, is trying to create a new kaiju fighting game using the same tools and technology as the Pipeworks games. But he needs our help! The more we donate, the better this game can be. And it doesn’t just help him, we can take part in the rewards as well, ranging from getting a free copy of the game once it’s complete, to actually getting monsters of our own creation in the game itself!
And if that’s not enough to entice you, if the game does well enough and makes enough money, we might even be able to bring other franchises into the game, allowing such epic combinations as Godzilla vs. King Kong vs. Gamera vs. Ultraman! Or even Rodan vs. Gorgo vs. Cthulhu vs. Staypuft Marshmallow Man!
So yeah. If you like video games and giant monsters and especially video games about giant monsters, please help us out. At the very least, spread the word! This thing has the potential to become the greatest giant monster game of all time.
[Kanye] All time! [/Kanye]